0903hr: Arrive at bride’s house with everyone frantically wondering where you (the only foreigner) have been because they’re worried you’ll miss the big occasion when the groom arrives. Bride looks gorgeous in traditional ao dai; almost unrecognisable from yesterday’s t-shirt and jeans.

1013hr. Here comes the groom and family carrying gifts for the bride’s family (whew, bladder needs a rest from all that tea! But I am starting to develop a taste for the betel leaf and Arabica nut – hope my thongue doesthn’t shwell mutch more, or shtay thish purple).

1017hr: A sit-down between the groups reaffirms the union of the families. Nervous groom tentatively searches bride’s home before bringing her out for guests to offer congratulations and gifts. A few tears, but mostly solemn joy.

1050hr: Pile into mini-vans. One for bride’s mates and one for groom’s. Number of people and number of seats don’t need to correlate, as long as we can get the door shut.

1059hr: Walk into the reception greeted by that most traditional of Vietnamese musical refrains, “Please Stay by Me, Diana”

1120hr: The event is becoming huge. People still arriving and being seated upstairs as well. No view of the wedding table, but ne’er mind. Boy, are they going to have to open a lot of lucky envelopes.

1121hr: The MC is on echo, echo, echo…

1135hr: A five-year-old’s just been given a box of matches by his dad to keep him occupied.

1145hr: Pink Champagne poured into the waterfall of glasses (slowly so the photographer can get it). Traditionally representing what - spilling of the virgin’s blood?

1200hr: Happy couple reach our table while doing the rounds to thank guests and mot, hai, ba, bottoms up and we knock back our drinks.

1210hr: Warning – beware the lonely uncle on your table who never takes ice in his beer! Wait for him to make the first “Cheers” move, coz he’ll have plenty of them.

1230hr: Distress on stage – four songs into the karaoke and technical problems! Bride’s brother can really sing and has the crowd eating out of his hand.

1245hr: Some traditions cross all cultural boundaries. Male youth walking out of toilets grabs female youth for some mutual mauling while she waits to go into women’s. Wonder if they knew each other?

1301hr: Function room booked from 1100 until 1300. Lonely uncle leads the table in one last “chuc suc khoe” toast and bids farewell.

1307hr: Everyone wanders home for their after-lunch nap, a fine local tradition.